exodus.

its new year's eve and im at work cuz i didnt have anything better to do. im afraid im becoming one of those people that live from paycheck to paycheck. fuck that. i already am. money's really tight these days, as it is for everyone, which is why the move back home should provide some much needed help. this way i can pay off whatever money i owe to my creditors without having to worry about the strain it puts on my life. i should be back on my feet in no time. i originally wanted to stay for a couple of months, but considering how things are going with my brother, im probably better off living back home for now till i can strike out on my own. although living with him has been fun, its been stressful to say the least. it was funny how socially awkward he was at the mall the other week while he bought presents for relatives. i think he mightve inadvertently admitted that he preferred shopping online due to the total lack of personal interaction. it was funny. gil and i ragged on his cumstained northface in front of the cashier at express. haha.

im listening to bob marley because some guy doesnt have a firewall up and itunes sneaked me his library. its bringing up some nostalgia from younger (better?) days. legend, his most famous (only?) album is way too good. i dont know how anyone cannot feel good listening to it. i remember this was the first "american" music i heard. i keep getting visions of my white stepuncle in his speedos. hahaha. that was too much now that i think back on it. i think im gonna make his album a part of my itunes library too. its way too good to pass up.

my friend danny mentioned to me the other day that his cousin at continental airlines is looking for part timers either taking tickets or hauling luggage. the only requirement is to work for 40 hours a month. i figure i can quit this job im at now while i work every sunday at the airport. the perk? free flights. ANYWHERE. a sign maybe from the past dreams ive been having. i figure that the days that im not working, however rare they are, i can take a flight to another counry. italy maybe? or even spain. ive been dying to visit either country. how awesome would it be to be able to say "oh i just flew to italy yesterday." hahaha. aw man. although it would involve getting my citizenship papers straightened out. idk, the whole thing still eludes me. maybe ill solidify things once i actually get the job. im crossing my fingers.

i tried to make another go at a past relationship but i found that i just couldnt do it for any longer. i found that the longer it went on, the more i saw that it wasnt the relationship i wanted. so many taboos, so many things we couldnt agree on. sure i couldve compromised and tried harder, but what can i say, im a selfish bastard. but as selfish as i make it sound, i really thought it over. much deliberation led me to believe that what i decided would be better in the long run. i felt like i got punched in the gut, but probably not as bad as the heartbreak i saw in her face the other day. i am sorry. im remorseful and full of shame and guilt, but if didnt do it now, it wouldve hurt more in the long run. i hurt her, for reasons that i hope will pay dividends in the end. if it doesnt, oh well. there are always choices in life but it doesnt mean that you keep wondering on what couldve been. ive been an asshole of a boyfriend while i spent the better part of my time trying to convince myself that i was better and that i was so great, trying to build up my self-confidence. but that was a mistake. back to square one. i figure that ill be single until i can handle a relationship. maybe find the old romantic in me. maybe find a nice italian miss. or a spanish senorita.

FOCUS begins its serious steps this january. the paperwork and the legwork will be started and hopefully finished by the summer. my duties as director of marketing? writing for funding requests and sweet-talking local companies to invest what they can into us. its a lot of face to face interactions. im gonna get a taste of corporate in the next few months. we'll see if i like it. we should be getting business cards soon. maybe ill do something a la christian bale in american psycho.

hopefully 2009 will be better. for everyone.

looking for my darjeeling

so i just finished watching the darjeeling limited. its up there as one of my favorite movies of all time. good story telling, funny as shit, and good lessons. definitely check it out. its about these 3 brothers who go to india on a spiritual journey after not talking to each other a year after their father died. the brand of comedy runs along the same lines as the royal tenenbaums, so if you enjoyed that, then darjeeling will be very enjoyable for you.

something about the movie triggered something in me because lately ive been entertaining thoughts of leaving everything for another country, another identity, another life. ive been having these real vivid dreams where im speaking another language, dressed differently, and more importantly feeling differently. its as if i feel great, burdened by nothing, and just living my life. not like more recent times when i always come home tired and just wanting to sleep. i have so many things to do but i lack the energy and the motivation to do so. but in these dreams its always sunny, im always laughing, and its as if i found a purpose.

i wish i could chronicle everything that happens in these dreams because i feel like they hold the key to something. the key to living my life the way its intended to be lived. but its like i cant ever remember the dreams as ive dreamed them because the details are held from me. when i try to remember, nothing is sharp and i cant remember the exact things. the language im speaking sounds like gibberish and what im doing is so vague. shit, what i would give to be able to record my dreams.

le sigh.

my finals are coming up. as if the rest of my life isnt as stressful, i need to ace these finals to raise my gpa. ive got another year left after this and the road to where i wanna be doesnt seem to be getting any shorter.

i want to quit my job because the amount of stress involved is just too much. i have to deal with so many things while getting paid peanuts. but if i quit, then id have no way of paying my bills and id probably end up in debtors prison, should they still exist. thats why i need to win this damn lottery. my friend dan and i have been playing it for the past couple of weeks, hoping that this extremely rare chance would just happen for us. maybe we can be that brazilian chick from newark who won the last big jackpot. the amount of problems that the money could solve for us is astounding. but thats just way too much wishing. its fun to entertain these fantasies, no matter how heartbreaking it might get if we dont win.

or maybe i can be like those people in secret millionaires who get money from an undercover millionaire. ah well a guy can dream right?

the non-profit organization our group of friends started is really taking off. the meeting with the UHS principal went great and now we're just waiting for a chance to present to the board of education. after that we'll be filing for our status with the government. after that, its down to the nitty gritty of recruiting our mentors so we can get the program started. i could never imagine so many people from the town would be so excited about it. theyve even offered to take care of our main issues like insurance and transportation. i cant wait till we have the groundwork set and the program starts next fall.

im trying to get our volleyball team from the summer together again. this time we'll be playing in a league in hoboken. itll be a lot less expensive than the nyc one and a lot closer too. i miss playing and having motivation to exercise. ive gained back the weight i lost over the summer and its not a good look. dammit. i wanna get this going again.

i love the christmas season. i love the songs. i love the weather. somethings just so awesome about it. gah i wanna have a big xmas party with my friends this year. i miss just hanging out. sucks that my schedule cant even afford me that anymore. i think im gonna try to find ways to relish the holidays. idk what yet, but im sure ill find ways.

i started to read for leisure again. i have a lion among men from the wicked series as well as tales of beedle the bard coming soon. im excited. its so difficult forcing yourself to read shit. my writing for my classes have suffered because im forced to do it. i miss my writing intensive class where i could write about anything. these stupid constraints serve no purpose. fucking old ass professors suck.

ok time for more studying.