exodus.

its new year's eve and im at work cuz i didnt have anything better to do. im afraid im becoming one of those people that live from paycheck to paycheck. fuck that. i already am. money's really tight these days, as it is for everyone, which is why the move back home should provide some much needed help. this way i can pay off whatever money i owe to my creditors without having to worry about the strain it puts on my life. i should be back on my feet in no time. i originally wanted to stay for a couple of months, but considering how things are going with my brother, im probably better off living back home for now till i can strike out on my own. although living with him has been fun, its been stressful to say the least. it was funny how socially awkward he was at the mall the other week while he bought presents for relatives. i think he mightve inadvertently admitted that he preferred shopping online due to the total lack of personal interaction. it was funny. gil and i ragged on his cumstained northface in front of the cashier at express. haha.

im listening to bob marley because some guy doesnt have a firewall up and itunes sneaked me his library. its bringing up some nostalgia from younger (better?) days. legend, his most famous (only?) album is way too good. i dont know how anyone cannot feel good listening to it. i remember this was the first "american" music i heard. i keep getting visions of my white stepuncle in his speedos. hahaha. that was too much now that i think back on it. i think im gonna make his album a part of my itunes library too. its way too good to pass up.

my friend danny mentioned to me the other day that his cousin at continental airlines is looking for part timers either taking tickets or hauling luggage. the only requirement is to work for 40 hours a month. i figure i can quit this job im at now while i work every sunday at the airport. the perk? free flights. ANYWHERE. a sign maybe from the past dreams ive been having. i figure that the days that im not working, however rare they are, i can take a flight to another counry. italy maybe? or even spain. ive been dying to visit either country. how awesome would it be to be able to say "oh i just flew to italy yesterday." hahaha. aw man. although it would involve getting my citizenship papers straightened out. idk, the whole thing still eludes me. maybe ill solidify things once i actually get the job. im crossing my fingers.

i tried to make another go at a past relationship but i found that i just couldnt do it for any longer. i found that the longer it went on, the more i saw that it wasnt the relationship i wanted. so many taboos, so many things we couldnt agree on. sure i couldve compromised and tried harder, but what can i say, im a selfish bastard. but as selfish as i make it sound, i really thought it over. much deliberation led me to believe that what i decided would be better in the long run. i felt like i got punched in the gut, but probably not as bad as the heartbreak i saw in her face the other day. i am sorry. im remorseful and full of shame and guilt, but if didnt do it now, it wouldve hurt more in the long run. i hurt her, for reasons that i hope will pay dividends in the end. if it doesnt, oh well. there are always choices in life but it doesnt mean that you keep wondering on what couldve been. ive been an asshole of a boyfriend while i spent the better part of my time trying to convince myself that i was better and that i was so great, trying to build up my self-confidence. but that was a mistake. back to square one. i figure that ill be single until i can handle a relationship. maybe find the old romantic in me. maybe find a nice italian miss. or a spanish senorita.

FOCUS begins its serious steps this january. the paperwork and the legwork will be started and hopefully finished by the summer. my duties as director of marketing? writing for funding requests and sweet-talking local companies to invest what they can into us. its a lot of face to face interactions. im gonna get a taste of corporate in the next few months. we'll see if i like it. we should be getting business cards soon. maybe ill do something a la christian bale in american psycho.

hopefully 2009 will be better. for everyone.