if home is where the heart is, then we're all just fcked

things havent been all that great lately. there are a lot of things on my plate and im having trouble sorting it all out. i could bitch about it but there's really no use. i have a lot of things that are a priority but i keep getting sidetracked. i need more discipline because discipline breeds success and success breeds hapiness. ergo, more discipline in my life means more hapiness. see it all comes down to math. ok maybe not.

im thinking of quitting my job at dr. newman's office because it's getting to be way too stressful there. the doctors expect me to bring home work with me when i dont really want or need to. it's never a good sign when work won't stay at work and follows you home. it starts to affect other aspects of your life and messes everything up. i need to re-establish the compartmentalization that i had developed early last year. maybe that'll help. in lieu of another job though, ill be picking up more hours at the hospital since i am back on the floors transporting as of this past weekend. i voluntarily gave up my dispatching position since they'll be combining transport and environmental dispatchers and i figured there were other people that needed the job more than i did. on the brighter side i get to see more of the hospital and the new nurses that work there. haha hellooo nurse!

my classes are getting up there in difficulty. did i mention that i hate teachers who cant speak the engrish? the subject matter is difficult enough already for us to have to decipher what theyre saying. my endocrinology prof is from argentina and her english needs major improvement while my cell bio prof is korean, end of story. haha. although im doing pretty well since ive been able to alot study time for those two classes. i need A's in both dammit. im also gonna end up taking summer classes this summer. im taking organic chemistry 1 and 2 during the summer semesters so that i can graduate by next year. bio major with a psych and history minor. that should help with PA school.

ive been working out again and its been great. im getting stronger and better in sports, both confidence boosters. im almost to buff 2006 status. i figure in another month or so, ill be at that same point. although since im older ive noticed that my body doesnt recover as fast as it used to. i find myself taking supplements that i never used to. it's sad but it's a necessity. sportsfest volleyball is almost upon us. i need to step up my training. 2 weeks left to go.

on a more somber note my friend nick tran is in the icu at university hospital due to brain damage from some idiots who were racing and crashed. he was the innocent party and he suffered the greatest injury, while the assholes who were racing are expected to make a full recovery. i hope the judge throws the book at them and puts them away for a long time and that they get sodomized in prison. please include nick in your prayers and pray for him to make a full recovery.

"it's too bad you're not into black girls."

that's the consensus at work. a majority of the transporters at work are black women ranging in age from 19-34 on my weekend shifts. apparently, the way i dress appeals to them. i have the look of a grown-ass man. and a good 75 percent of them mistook me for being hispanic. fuck that. in any case, im doing something right. now if only i can get the attention of the girls im trying to appeal to. tsk tsk.

on a semi-related note, this coming weekend might be my last weekend as a dispatcher. as part of the budget cuts in the hospital they are combining environmental services and the transport department. in doing so this eliminates the need for dispatchers for each department. they're effectively cutting down the number of dispatchers by half. as much as i love getting paid to do nothing, im going to give up my spot because there are others that need the job more so than i do. i know the other dispatchers in my group and i know they need the job and cannot be afford to be laid off. i was told i might be placed in another department or something or other cuz they want to retain me due to my awesome customer service skills and pleasant demeanor. we'll see i guess.

ive lost 20 pounds since the bet started with my friends danny and chris. ive lost more weight than both of them combined. danny all but gave up already and i think chris is starving himself in order to try and catch up. but there's only a week left and the weigh-in is on march 6th. so im pretty sure it's safe to notch this in the W column for me. i started at 215 and im now down to 195. 15 more lbs to go and ill be at my ideal weight for my height. needless to say i am going to relish the slaps coming their way. as a celebratory thing, we'll be going to a lounge in hoboken to see what the results can get for us. haha.

sportsfest volleyball is coming up mid-april and i have about a month and a half to train. i figure in that month i can drop the 15 lbs i need to shed which would help me out on the court. i'm also going to resume the workouts i did back in the summer for team hibachi that were specifically for volleyball. i need to get my vertical up and be able to spike the crap out of that ball. it worked for a bit when i was doing it and that wasn't consistent. i figure this'll be even better since i'm back on track for buff status. we'll see i guess. team hibachi's headed for a reunion. hahaha.

what time is it? game time huh!!!

laaame.

clothes whore

so this bet has been going really well for me. ive lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks and it feels awesome. ive lost the relationship weight i gained (34 lbs). and now im just working off the crap ive gained from poor eating habits after the trip from the philippines a couple of years back. so that means another 15 pounds in the next four weeks. completely doable i think but the fact that im plateauing isnt helping matters much. ive remained at the same weight this past week regardless of 3 days of basketball and 2 days of 30 min cardio sessions. i need to find some way of working the rest of this weight off. after the bet is when ill start pumping iron again cuz i dont wanna spoil my weight loss results by gaining muscle weight at the same time too. 15-20 more pounds off and ill be at my ideal weight.

my diet's been pretty strict. i try to pack lunch when i have time but mostly ive eaten nothing but salad for the past 3 weeks and its been awesome. i made sure to look up different variations to spice up the whole grilled chicken and steak thing and the results have been great. its not boring food and its not fattening either. heres a sample recipe i created:

blanch a med head of broccoli and a handful of edamame.
slice 2 small shallots.
dice 2 cloves of garlic.
sautee garlic and shallots in a teaspoon of olive oil until shallots caramelize.
add broccoli and edamame. make sure the veggies move around the pan constantly to prevent further wilting.
add a teaspoon or tablespoon of hoisin or oyster sauce to taste. mix veggies around for better flavor distribution.

any broiled seafood or asian style grilled chicken goes well with this veggie combo. broccoli makes you feel fuller so its great. sodium is low as well since youre only adding a bit of the oyster/hoisin sauce.

no empty carbs have been helping a lot as well. rice is no longer a staple in my diet and neither is bread or pasta or anything. so therefore additional carbs i dont burn off get turned into fat.

so i went to short hills mall tonight since i was bored and didnt feel like going to the movies with my friends. after doing my short hw for cell bio i decided to go and see what i could do there. i ended up at a br and they had this nice gray trench coat which i tried on for shits. i was wearing a gray sweater with a white t shirt underneath, jeans, and laceless chucks. so i tried on the coat where there were a few mirrors and it looked awesome. the lady next to me kept commenting on how good it looked and said that i looked like i was in a commercial. so at this point my ego is fully stoked. then i look closer and she had a name tag and worked there. fail. regardless i felt good. results of the weightloss are pretty noticable now. i just gotta get rid of the rest of this baggage im carrying around.

after the eight weeks, i have to buy a suit for business stuff that we'll be having and i might buy a couple of things extra as well. i cant wait.

one more semester to go after this one. stupid me. i wish i just wouldve finished my shit already. whatever, the end is near. for college at least. then theres the graduate pa program.

whatever. im getting there, better late than never.

easy skanking

so the semester starts again tomorrow. its almost like a clone from last semester's schedule, only this time ill be working every weekend with tuesdays and thursdays off so i can do the internship at NBI.

im losing weight again. i made a bet with my two good friends chris and danny about it. by the end of 8 weeks, whoever loses the most weight gets to slap the other two anytime, anywhere, no questions asked. its from the show how i met your mother. so far im ahead. but then again i have the most weight to lose. plus, i have no intentions of getting slapped by a black man. its good cuz my friends are really pushing me to do this and keeping me honest.

we're back home again. its good in some ways. bad in some. i just try to look at the positives. besides, im hardly home. my schedule keeps me busy enough.

so i was sick this past weekend and i went on a tea binge. i drank only green tea and water for 5 days straight. it helped a lot. but i went to shoprite to buy tea and look what i came upon.



i thought this was hilarious. now the guys should know what to get their girls during that time of the month.

ok gotta get things set up for tomorrow. gnite and gluck.

exodus.

its new year's eve and im at work cuz i didnt have anything better to do. im afraid im becoming one of those people that live from paycheck to paycheck. fuck that. i already am. money's really tight these days, as it is for everyone, which is why the move back home should provide some much needed help. this way i can pay off whatever money i owe to my creditors without having to worry about the strain it puts on my life. i should be back on my feet in no time. i originally wanted to stay for a couple of months, but considering how things are going with my brother, im probably better off living back home for now till i can strike out on my own. although living with him has been fun, its been stressful to say the least. it was funny how socially awkward he was at the mall the other week while he bought presents for relatives. i think he mightve inadvertently admitted that he preferred shopping online due to the total lack of personal interaction. it was funny. gil and i ragged on his cumstained northface in front of the cashier at express. haha.

im listening to bob marley because some guy doesnt have a firewall up and itunes sneaked me his library. its bringing up some nostalgia from younger (better?) days. legend, his most famous (only?) album is way too good. i dont know how anyone cannot feel good listening to it. i remember this was the first "american" music i heard. i keep getting visions of my white stepuncle in his speedos. hahaha. that was too much now that i think back on it. i think im gonna make his album a part of my itunes library too. its way too good to pass up.

my friend danny mentioned to me the other day that his cousin at continental airlines is looking for part timers either taking tickets or hauling luggage. the only requirement is to work for 40 hours a month. i figure i can quit this job im at now while i work every sunday at the airport. the perk? free flights. ANYWHERE. a sign maybe from the past dreams ive been having. i figure that the days that im not working, however rare they are, i can take a flight to another counry. italy maybe? or even spain. ive been dying to visit either country. how awesome would it be to be able to say "oh i just flew to italy yesterday." hahaha. aw man. although it would involve getting my citizenship papers straightened out. idk, the whole thing still eludes me. maybe ill solidify things once i actually get the job. im crossing my fingers.

i tried to make another go at a past relationship but i found that i just couldnt do it for any longer. i found that the longer it went on, the more i saw that it wasnt the relationship i wanted. so many taboos, so many things we couldnt agree on. sure i couldve compromised and tried harder, but what can i say, im a selfish bastard. but as selfish as i make it sound, i really thought it over. much deliberation led me to believe that what i decided would be better in the long run. i felt like i got punched in the gut, but probably not as bad as the heartbreak i saw in her face the other day. i am sorry. im remorseful and full of shame and guilt, but if didnt do it now, it wouldve hurt more in the long run. i hurt her, for reasons that i hope will pay dividends in the end. if it doesnt, oh well. there are always choices in life but it doesnt mean that you keep wondering on what couldve been. ive been an asshole of a boyfriend while i spent the better part of my time trying to convince myself that i was better and that i was so great, trying to build up my self-confidence. but that was a mistake. back to square one. i figure that ill be single until i can handle a relationship. maybe find the old romantic in me. maybe find a nice italian miss. or a spanish senorita.

FOCUS begins its serious steps this january. the paperwork and the legwork will be started and hopefully finished by the summer. my duties as director of marketing? writing for funding requests and sweet-talking local companies to invest what they can into us. its a lot of face to face interactions. im gonna get a taste of corporate in the next few months. we'll see if i like it. we should be getting business cards soon. maybe ill do something a la christian bale in american psycho.

hopefully 2009 will be better. for everyone.

looking for my darjeeling

so i just finished watching the darjeeling limited. its up there as one of my favorite movies of all time. good story telling, funny as shit, and good lessons. definitely check it out. its about these 3 brothers who go to india on a spiritual journey after not talking to each other a year after their father died. the brand of comedy runs along the same lines as the royal tenenbaums, so if you enjoyed that, then darjeeling will be very enjoyable for you.

something about the movie triggered something in me because lately ive been entertaining thoughts of leaving everything for another country, another identity, another life. ive been having these real vivid dreams where im speaking another language, dressed differently, and more importantly feeling differently. its as if i feel great, burdened by nothing, and just living my life. not like more recent times when i always come home tired and just wanting to sleep. i have so many things to do but i lack the energy and the motivation to do so. but in these dreams its always sunny, im always laughing, and its as if i found a purpose.

i wish i could chronicle everything that happens in these dreams because i feel like they hold the key to something. the key to living my life the way its intended to be lived. but its like i cant ever remember the dreams as ive dreamed them because the details are held from me. when i try to remember, nothing is sharp and i cant remember the exact things. the language im speaking sounds like gibberish and what im doing is so vague. shit, what i would give to be able to record my dreams.

le sigh.

my finals are coming up. as if the rest of my life isnt as stressful, i need to ace these finals to raise my gpa. ive got another year left after this and the road to where i wanna be doesnt seem to be getting any shorter.

i want to quit my job because the amount of stress involved is just too much. i have to deal with so many things while getting paid peanuts. but if i quit, then id have no way of paying my bills and id probably end up in debtors prison, should they still exist. thats why i need to win this damn lottery. my friend dan and i have been playing it for the past couple of weeks, hoping that this extremely rare chance would just happen for us. maybe we can be that brazilian chick from newark who won the last big jackpot. the amount of problems that the money could solve for us is astounding. but thats just way too much wishing. its fun to entertain these fantasies, no matter how heartbreaking it might get if we dont win.

or maybe i can be like those people in secret millionaires who get money from an undercover millionaire. ah well a guy can dream right?

the non-profit organization our group of friends started is really taking off. the meeting with the UHS principal went great and now we're just waiting for a chance to present to the board of education. after that we'll be filing for our status with the government. after that, its down to the nitty gritty of recruiting our mentors so we can get the program started. i could never imagine so many people from the town would be so excited about it. theyve even offered to take care of our main issues like insurance and transportation. i cant wait till we have the groundwork set and the program starts next fall.

im trying to get our volleyball team from the summer together again. this time we'll be playing in a league in hoboken. itll be a lot less expensive than the nyc one and a lot closer too. i miss playing and having motivation to exercise. ive gained back the weight i lost over the summer and its not a good look. dammit. i wanna get this going again.

i love the christmas season. i love the songs. i love the weather. somethings just so awesome about it. gah i wanna have a big xmas party with my friends this year. i miss just hanging out. sucks that my schedule cant even afford me that anymore. i think im gonna try to find ways to relish the holidays. idk what yet, but im sure ill find ways.

i started to read for leisure again. i have a lion among men from the wicked series as well as tales of beedle the bard coming soon. im excited. its so difficult forcing yourself to read shit. my writing for my classes have suffered because im forced to do it. i miss my writing intensive class where i could write about anything. these stupid constraints serve no purpose. fucking old ass professors suck.

ok time for more studying.

whaaaaaaaaale hooooo!!!

being at work at ungodly hours is not the cool thing to do. but im making money while sitting on my fat ass which is completely awesome.

speaking of which. i havent been able to make time for the gym lately. i know there was all this talk of going more once ive gotten into a rhythm this semester but its been the opposite. rather, ive had to spend time studying and working that i really havent had too much time for anything else. its getting depressing again when i look into the mirror. coupled with the fact that theres hardly any sunlight left when i get out of work, i havent been able to play outside as much as i wouldve liked. i miss volleyball. that kept me on my toes. inspired me to work out more. in any case ive gotta fight this. obesity is the plague.

on a related note. ive been doing extremely well this semester. not since my freshman year have i experienced this. im acing my hard bio classes. like im talking about a 4.0 semester. really. ah well its only the midterms. theres the matter of keeping it going for another month or so. but im pretty sure i can do it.

however, ive had to postpone my internship at newark beth since the couple of hours i spend there on tues and thurs mornings isnt really cutting it. thanks to a really understanding boss, she's agreed to let me work out a better schedule next semester and maybe even during the summer when ive got more time.

my friends have also asked me to be part of an non-profit organization that theyll be starting. theyve asked me to be part of the board, director of marketing or something or other, and ive said yes. im excited yet im pretty tentative about it. only because ive got a few things on my plate already and this'll only add to the stress. but then again, can you imagine having this on your resume? a position on the board of an NPO is the nuts. ill do what i can and bring what i can to the table because my friends in this arent the ones you take lightly. im talking ivy league grads. i feel so tiny compared to what theyve accomplished but im pretty sure i can keep up. the first meeting's tonight so let's hope i dont make a fool of myself.

ok im gonna go waste my time some more before i need to study for 2 more exams this week. yay.