looking for my darjeeling

so i just finished watching the darjeeling limited. its up there as one of my favorite movies of all time. good story telling, funny as shit, and good lessons. definitely check it out. its about these 3 brothers who go to india on a spiritual journey after not talking to each other a year after their father died. the brand of comedy runs along the same lines as the royal tenenbaums, so if you enjoyed that, then darjeeling will be very enjoyable for you.

something about the movie triggered something in me because lately ive been entertaining thoughts of leaving everything for another country, another identity, another life. ive been having these real vivid dreams where im speaking another language, dressed differently, and more importantly feeling differently. its as if i feel great, burdened by nothing, and just living my life. not like more recent times when i always come home tired and just wanting to sleep. i have so many things to do but i lack the energy and the motivation to do so. but in these dreams its always sunny, im always laughing, and its as if i found a purpose.

i wish i could chronicle everything that happens in these dreams because i feel like they hold the key to something. the key to living my life the way its intended to be lived. but its like i cant ever remember the dreams as ive dreamed them because the details are held from me. when i try to remember, nothing is sharp and i cant remember the exact things. the language im speaking sounds like gibberish and what im doing is so vague. shit, what i would give to be able to record my dreams.

le sigh.

my finals are coming up. as if the rest of my life isnt as stressful, i need to ace these finals to raise my gpa. ive got another year left after this and the road to where i wanna be doesnt seem to be getting any shorter.

i want to quit my job because the amount of stress involved is just too much. i have to deal with so many things while getting paid peanuts. but if i quit, then id have no way of paying my bills and id probably end up in debtors prison, should they still exist. thats why i need to win this damn lottery. my friend dan and i have been playing it for the past couple of weeks, hoping that this extremely rare chance would just happen for us. maybe we can be that brazilian chick from newark who won the last big jackpot. the amount of problems that the money could solve for us is astounding. but thats just way too much wishing. its fun to entertain these fantasies, no matter how heartbreaking it might get if we dont win.

or maybe i can be like those people in secret millionaires who get money from an undercover millionaire. ah well a guy can dream right?

the non-profit organization our group of friends started is really taking off. the meeting with the UHS principal went great and now we're just waiting for a chance to present to the board of education. after that we'll be filing for our status with the government. after that, its down to the nitty gritty of recruiting our mentors so we can get the program started. i could never imagine so many people from the town would be so excited about it. theyve even offered to take care of our main issues like insurance and transportation. i cant wait till we have the groundwork set and the program starts next fall.

im trying to get our volleyball team from the summer together again. this time we'll be playing in a league in hoboken. itll be a lot less expensive than the nyc one and a lot closer too. i miss playing and having motivation to exercise. ive gained back the weight i lost over the summer and its not a good look. dammit. i wanna get this going again.

i love the christmas season. i love the songs. i love the weather. somethings just so awesome about it. gah i wanna have a big xmas party with my friends this year. i miss just hanging out. sucks that my schedule cant even afford me that anymore. i think im gonna try to find ways to relish the holidays. idk what yet, but im sure ill find ways.

i started to read for leisure again. i have a lion among men from the wicked series as well as tales of beedle the bard coming soon. im excited. its so difficult forcing yourself to read shit. my writing for my classes have suffered because im forced to do it. i miss my writing intensive class where i could write about anything. these stupid constraints serve no purpose. fucking old ass professors suck.

ok time for more studying.