exodus.

its new year's eve and im at work cuz i didnt have anything better to do. im afraid im becoming one of those people that live from paycheck to paycheck. fuck that. i already am. money's really tight these days, as it is for everyone, which is why the move back home should provide some much needed help. this way i can pay off whatever money i owe to my creditors without having to worry about the strain it puts on my life. i should be back on my feet in no time. i originally wanted to stay for a couple of months, but considering how things are going with my brother, im probably better off living back home for now till i can strike out on my own. although living with him has been fun, its been stressful to say the least. it was funny how socially awkward he was at the mall the other week while he bought presents for relatives. i think he mightve inadvertently admitted that he preferred shopping online due to the total lack of personal interaction. it was funny. gil and i ragged on his cumstained northface in front of the cashier at express. haha.

im listening to bob marley because some guy doesnt have a firewall up and itunes sneaked me his library. its bringing up some nostalgia from younger (better?) days. legend, his most famous (only?) album is way too good. i dont know how anyone cannot feel good listening to it. i remember this was the first "american" music i heard. i keep getting visions of my white stepuncle in his speedos. hahaha. that was too much now that i think back on it. i think im gonna make his album a part of my itunes library too. its way too good to pass up.

my friend danny mentioned to me the other day that his cousin at continental airlines is looking for part timers either taking tickets or hauling luggage. the only requirement is to work for 40 hours a month. i figure i can quit this job im at now while i work every sunday at the airport. the perk? free flights. ANYWHERE. a sign maybe from the past dreams ive been having. i figure that the days that im not working, however rare they are, i can take a flight to another counry. italy maybe? or even spain. ive been dying to visit either country. how awesome would it be to be able to say "oh i just flew to italy yesterday." hahaha. aw man. although it would involve getting my citizenship papers straightened out. idk, the whole thing still eludes me. maybe ill solidify things once i actually get the job. im crossing my fingers.

i tried to make another go at a past relationship but i found that i just couldnt do it for any longer. i found that the longer it went on, the more i saw that it wasnt the relationship i wanted. so many taboos, so many things we couldnt agree on. sure i couldve compromised and tried harder, but what can i say, im a selfish bastard. but as selfish as i make it sound, i really thought it over. much deliberation led me to believe that what i decided would be better in the long run. i felt like i got punched in the gut, but probably not as bad as the heartbreak i saw in her face the other day. i am sorry. im remorseful and full of shame and guilt, but if didnt do it now, it wouldve hurt more in the long run. i hurt her, for reasons that i hope will pay dividends in the end. if it doesnt, oh well. there are always choices in life but it doesnt mean that you keep wondering on what couldve been. ive been an asshole of a boyfriend while i spent the better part of my time trying to convince myself that i was better and that i was so great, trying to build up my self-confidence. but that was a mistake. back to square one. i figure that ill be single until i can handle a relationship. maybe find the old romantic in me. maybe find a nice italian miss. or a spanish senorita.

FOCUS begins its serious steps this january. the paperwork and the legwork will be started and hopefully finished by the summer. my duties as director of marketing? writing for funding requests and sweet-talking local companies to invest what they can into us. its a lot of face to face interactions. im gonna get a taste of corporate in the next few months. we'll see if i like it. we should be getting business cards soon. maybe ill do something a la christian bale in american psycho.

hopefully 2009 will be better. for everyone.

looking for my darjeeling

so i just finished watching the darjeeling limited. its up there as one of my favorite movies of all time. good story telling, funny as shit, and good lessons. definitely check it out. its about these 3 brothers who go to india on a spiritual journey after not talking to each other a year after their father died. the brand of comedy runs along the same lines as the royal tenenbaums, so if you enjoyed that, then darjeeling will be very enjoyable for you.

something about the movie triggered something in me because lately ive been entertaining thoughts of leaving everything for another country, another identity, another life. ive been having these real vivid dreams where im speaking another language, dressed differently, and more importantly feeling differently. its as if i feel great, burdened by nothing, and just living my life. not like more recent times when i always come home tired and just wanting to sleep. i have so many things to do but i lack the energy and the motivation to do so. but in these dreams its always sunny, im always laughing, and its as if i found a purpose.

i wish i could chronicle everything that happens in these dreams because i feel like they hold the key to something. the key to living my life the way its intended to be lived. but its like i cant ever remember the dreams as ive dreamed them because the details are held from me. when i try to remember, nothing is sharp and i cant remember the exact things. the language im speaking sounds like gibberish and what im doing is so vague. shit, what i would give to be able to record my dreams.

le sigh.

my finals are coming up. as if the rest of my life isnt as stressful, i need to ace these finals to raise my gpa. ive got another year left after this and the road to where i wanna be doesnt seem to be getting any shorter.

i want to quit my job because the amount of stress involved is just too much. i have to deal with so many things while getting paid peanuts. but if i quit, then id have no way of paying my bills and id probably end up in debtors prison, should they still exist. thats why i need to win this damn lottery. my friend dan and i have been playing it for the past couple of weeks, hoping that this extremely rare chance would just happen for us. maybe we can be that brazilian chick from newark who won the last big jackpot. the amount of problems that the money could solve for us is astounding. but thats just way too much wishing. its fun to entertain these fantasies, no matter how heartbreaking it might get if we dont win.

or maybe i can be like those people in secret millionaires who get money from an undercover millionaire. ah well a guy can dream right?

the non-profit organization our group of friends started is really taking off. the meeting with the UHS principal went great and now we're just waiting for a chance to present to the board of education. after that we'll be filing for our status with the government. after that, its down to the nitty gritty of recruiting our mentors so we can get the program started. i could never imagine so many people from the town would be so excited about it. theyve even offered to take care of our main issues like insurance and transportation. i cant wait till we have the groundwork set and the program starts next fall.

im trying to get our volleyball team from the summer together again. this time we'll be playing in a league in hoboken. itll be a lot less expensive than the nyc one and a lot closer too. i miss playing and having motivation to exercise. ive gained back the weight i lost over the summer and its not a good look. dammit. i wanna get this going again.

i love the christmas season. i love the songs. i love the weather. somethings just so awesome about it. gah i wanna have a big xmas party with my friends this year. i miss just hanging out. sucks that my schedule cant even afford me that anymore. i think im gonna try to find ways to relish the holidays. idk what yet, but im sure ill find ways.

i started to read for leisure again. i have a lion among men from the wicked series as well as tales of beedle the bard coming soon. im excited. its so difficult forcing yourself to read shit. my writing for my classes have suffered because im forced to do it. i miss my writing intensive class where i could write about anything. these stupid constraints serve no purpose. fucking old ass professors suck.

ok time for more studying.

whaaaaaaaaale hooooo!!!

being at work at ungodly hours is not the cool thing to do. but im making money while sitting on my fat ass which is completely awesome.

speaking of which. i havent been able to make time for the gym lately. i know there was all this talk of going more once ive gotten into a rhythm this semester but its been the opposite. rather, ive had to spend time studying and working that i really havent had too much time for anything else. its getting depressing again when i look into the mirror. coupled with the fact that theres hardly any sunlight left when i get out of work, i havent been able to play outside as much as i wouldve liked. i miss volleyball. that kept me on my toes. inspired me to work out more. in any case ive gotta fight this. obesity is the plague.

on a related note. ive been doing extremely well this semester. not since my freshman year have i experienced this. im acing my hard bio classes. like im talking about a 4.0 semester. really. ah well its only the midterms. theres the matter of keeping it going for another month or so. but im pretty sure i can do it.

however, ive had to postpone my internship at newark beth since the couple of hours i spend there on tues and thurs mornings isnt really cutting it. thanks to a really understanding boss, she's agreed to let me work out a better schedule next semester and maybe even during the summer when ive got more time.

my friends have also asked me to be part of an non-profit organization that theyll be starting. theyve asked me to be part of the board, director of marketing or something or other, and ive said yes. im excited yet im pretty tentative about it. only because ive got a few things on my plate already and this'll only add to the stress. but then again, can you imagine having this on your resume? a position on the board of an NPO is the nuts. ill do what i can and bring what i can to the table because my friends in this arent the ones you take lightly. im talking ivy league grads. i feel so tiny compared to what theyve accomplished but im pretty sure i can keep up. the first meeting's tonight so let's hope i dont make a fool of myself.

ok im gonna go waste my time some more before i need to study for 2 more exams this week. yay.

call it. friendo.

all this stress has been ridiculous. my acne comes in full force when i get really stressed and this time its no different. its shades of high school all over again. the only good thing that can come off of this is the fact that i was really successful when i was really stressed in high school. had my best year as a junior but my face was also pockmarked with this crap. i mustve spent like 40 bucks on acne fighting meds this past 2 weeks. but apparently working out counteracts the hormones and cortisol thats released from when youre really stressed. so with the volleyball season over, i can fit my workouts into my schedule once again. im feeling pretty fat since i havent worked out in a couple of weeks. but that should change soon.

im also going to grow my mohawk back. i miss it. even though everyone and their mom has it now, i think it looks good. kinda "completes" me. lol. it feels weird when i look into the mirror and i dont see the face ive been looking at for the past couple of months. ah well. besides, ive gotten in pretty good with the docs in ct surgery so i think theyll be cool with it.

my recommendations of books to read are thin for now as predicted. part of my reading list at the moment includes; origin of species by charles darwin, richard II by shakespeare, psych and sexual orientation, and my microbiology book. riveting if you ask me. but late september things look like theyll be picking up considerably with the release of the third book in the eragon series, brisingr, and the third book in the wicked series, a lion among men. i cant wait. but how im going to fit that in with all the required reading, i dont know.

heroes finally comes back in a couple of weeks too. along with the office and a couple of other shows. with my schedule though, all i can say is thank god for dvr technology. hehe.

so one of the things ive started doing is marinating meat and doing prep work before the week starts so i can make something quick for the nights i come home exhausted. its during these times that i think that maybe i shouldve been a chef. but then i think that once you start doing something seriously, it loses its appeal. so ill just stick to doing it for fun or necessity for that matter.

something thats been on my mind lately...

ever get that feeling that youre falling behind and that youre kinda slipping into a hole you cant crawl out of. for a while now ive been fighting that feeling and a lot of my time is spent trying to run away from that. its like an ever expanding hole that im constantly running away from but im always at the edge with the threat of falling into it. im not sure how ive managed to stay out of it so far but lately it feels like im slowing down and that no amount of running or fighting it will work. i havent fallen in or anything for that matter, but it feels like im awful close.

ah well. ill see how far i get. i have faith in my abilities and that itll help me stay out of it. nothing that i cant handle. maybe. maybe i just need to win the lottery.

do or die

I love this time of year. I love fall. Its football, sweaters, coats, chilly weather. Something about it just makes me feel better. A few things to touch on…

Well theres my schedule for this semester. insane on paper, even more insane to actually pull it off. Im off school wed and fri so its really just work. apparently some of my professors this year dont like people being late. but ive yet to talk to them and explain what im trying to do so im sure after a good talking to theyll be ok with it.

Oh and can you believe rutgers-newark isnt what it used to be. its....better? im not sure what this exactly means but the campus isnt so dead anymore. its starting to thrive actually. parking is even worse. i used to know the timing and rhythm as to when i can still get parking on decks 1 and 2 but its way different now. apparently 2008 has brought the biggest number of freshmen to newark. crazy i know, but what can you do.

The weekend of my birthday completely made up for the totally lame birthday. It was good to just spend time with my mom and siblings. The movie game, portuguese food, and coldstone icecream was the shit. it was a pretty good way to spend the weekend.

and for anyone hasnt seen yet, ive got a tattoo now. its pretty cool i think. for those wondering it means brother in arabic. its pronounced "akh." i knew what i wanted when i went and it means a lot to me so it was only fitting. i looked at the word brother in other languages and it was more...aesthetically pleasing in arabic. it did hurt, especially the part where it curves. it felt like someone was constantly pinching you. it wasnt bad but if your threshold for pain is low, then i dont think its for you. the best part? i can now say "you looking at my ink?" a la will ferrell in blades of glory. hahaha.

another place where I take some time to myself, when im not dead tired that is, is this 24 hour chapel. It doesn’t close so you can just go there to pray if youre in need of some quiet time. But that’s really not the best part. Not for me at least. Theres a statue of the virgin mary in front of the church and its usually lit up by these two huge floodlamps. But one of them is broken and the statue gets an eerie kind of glow where one half is lit and the other half is in the dark sort of.. Anyway its another one of those places where its quiet to help me cope with my week.

Oh and seeing as how my time is going to be stretched thin this semester its my last chance to read for leisure. I chose marley and me by john grogan and the brief wondrous life of oscar wao by junot diaz.

I finished marley and me in one shift at work cuz its really good. Its about a dog and his relationship of 13 years with his family. Im a dog lover so it was a good read. Its been made into a movie with jeniffer aniston and owen wilson due out this holiday season.

Oscar wao is about this Dominican family’s life in new jersey of all places. Set in Patterson and Rutgers and wildwood and the DR. its pretty funny. The author mixes spanglish in his writing so theres some parts that might not be clear but nothings lost in the book. Oh and its pretty crude language. oh and it also won a pulitzer if that counts for anything,

Im finishing Oscar wao this week (finished yesterday at work) so I can get started on required reading. Oh how I hate that crap. Anyway go pick em up.

That’s it for now. Ill update when things get better.

it's just another day

it's been an insane fucking day at work. seeing 40-50 patients in an understaffed clinic is never a good day no matter how you look at it. imagine starting your day at 7 in the morning seeing patients non-stop, with your first "break" starting at 1, ending at 115, then continuing the day till 430, and to top it off, working the last hour and a half by yourself. normally it wouldnt even bother me, but when your coworkers show no consideration, its a bit different.

you know how there are good birthdays and bad ones? this has to qualify as part of the latter. one of the lonelier ones id have to say. my sister is in ny, my youngest brother is spending his with his gf, and my other brother is working so its sad but it'll pass. its what the weekend is for i guess. but in all honesty, id like to be able to be able to spend time with them today.

ah well. im gonna go do chores and go to sleep. ive got work again tomorrow morning. welcome to the real world i guess. and like it says up top, its just another day.

my idea of a birthday present to myself? a slice of cake, a break from my diet. ok that and some clothes for the new position ill be starting next week. but either way, yay!

ease into the day

waking up at 430 in the morning has never been fun. but in the weekends that i have to get up at that insane hour, i like to take a certain route to work. i travel through the mountains of millburn and livingston when it's just before sunrise and i like to stop at this park or what's more like a dedicated garden. it was especially nice this morning because i arrived just when the morning fog was rolling off and the sun was just breaking through. i sat by my car in the lot and i fortunately brought my camera and i was able to take a picture. among the things ive found relaxing was to take 15 minutes for yourself before the hustle of the daily grind. i like just sitting at that bench when its completely quiet and still. it makes my day go by easier no matter what happens at work.

insert 4 coins to play

so here it is.

something new to start what should be a better year. at least i hope so. i think 23 (or your mid-20's for that matter) is the age where you have to really look at yourself and see what you've accomplished. granted there's other 23 year olds who are bound to have done more (cough michael phelps cough usain bolt cough), but its always good to look at what you've done and to use it as a marker of where you're headed.

eh. anyway, in a couple of days ill have a monster blog that'll be the equivalent of a monster dump. lots of reading, pictures, and whatever else you can imagine. i think im also going to use this more often than xanga, mainly because i feel that i get dull if i dont write. besides, its a great outlet.

here's something from a couple of years ago around this same time. mainly cuz im feeling nostalgic. taken from my hammock at a private resort in the philippines. love for the pink boat.